I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
