Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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