Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
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