I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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