NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
