I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
