My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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