He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
