So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
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