I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
