I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
