I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
