I'm eating all of the evidence.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
