please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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