he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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