i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Randomize
