I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
