Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Randomize
