he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
