Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
