this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
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Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
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Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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