I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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