He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
