Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
