Ambien. No doubt about it.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
