she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
