I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
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My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
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Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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