dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
