I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
we're making bets on your personal life
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Randomize
