I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
