He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
