Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
