gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
