Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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