Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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