this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
