Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
