Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
