"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
