Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
