This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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