he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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