if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
