My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
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