Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
