The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
