he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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