The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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