I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
