I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
