Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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