Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
