I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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