the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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