We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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