I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
